Finding Patience

By Samantha Holm - All photos were taken by the author at the Japanese Friendship Garden in San Diego, CA.

Bonsai is an art of patience. As a visual art form it has the longest timeframe - lasting the life of the tree - each year slowly getting closer to the artist's intention. And as practitioners we have to work with that time scale in mind, that our unfinished works of art will (hopefully) outlast us and be given over to the next generation to care for them. We understand that for the health and survival of the tree we must work at a slower pace and make small changes or at most one drastic change (e.g. a repotting, major restyling, trunk-chop) a year.

Unfortunately, the patience, understanding, and grace that we show our bonsai trees is often times not the same that we give to ourselves. We demand so much of ourselves in our everyday lives, to be the best parents, employees, friends, and daughters or sons that we can, that the push for constant achievement can bleed into the hobbies that are suppose to bring us relaxation and joy. We expect our bonsai skills and knowledge to always be growing, for our trees to always be improving. We push to have the best trees in our clubs, to win awards, to earn respect.

But sometimes things will happen in our lives that force us to slow down. And those physical, mental, or emotional hardships mean that we might occasionally need short periods away from our hobby. Perhaps you need a physical break while recovering from an illness or injury, or perhaps you are dealing with grief, stress or a heartache that makes it difficult to devote the usual time and energy that you give to your bonsai. If you are struggling either physically, mentally, or emotionally, hopping around on crutches, or feeling too depressed to get out of bed, the daily bonsai tasks can start to feel more like insurmountable chores than a hobby.

I was recently diagnosed with a chronic illness (Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome), a connective tissue disease that had been hidden and docile until the hormone changes during my first pregnancy. Over the last ten years my constant fatigue, brain fog, muscle and joint pain, headaches, and random IBS symptoms were a mystery doctors mistakenly blamed on poor sleep, being overweight, stress, or the untestable fibromyalgia. After solving my health puzzle my own bonsai practice has taken a back-burner to the very involved journey of finding doctors and specialists familiar with the seriously understudied EDS and the other syndromes that often go along with it (like MCAS and POTS) so I can manage my symptoms.

In the midst of this physical setback I have felt a range of emotions: hopelessness that I would spend everyday in pain; frustration with Western medicine; grief for the functioning body that I had lost; and guilt that I could not do what others could. Instead of only focusing on my losses I have been working on changing my perspective and adapting a slower and more forgiving pace with myself and with my trees. When I am having a flare-up and the pain and exhaustion keep me in bed I try not to feel guilty about the unfinished projects outside my garden window, or the new bright green buds that need pinching on my bonsai.

Bonsai is not a race and you can adapt it to your own physical/mental/emotional limitations. If you broke your wrist and do not have the capacity to repot your pine this year, then leave it for next year. If your recent breakup makes defoliating your maple unthinkable, then don't worry about it. We live in a society that does not put much value on mental health, and I think that sometimes when we are so busy nurturing the trees and people in our lives we can leave our own needs unmet. But when you are struggling your health and wellbeing needs to come first. If you can keep your trees watered, fed and pest free then everything else is a bonus.

Your trees will be there when you are ready to return to them. That is if you decide to return to them. At times when you are struggling you have to address your capacity for handling the different things in your life that take up your time and energy. Which things are important to keep, which need to be put aside for awhile, and which ones do you need to say goodbye to? When you consider your bonsai collection you will be forced to ask yourself the questions that you probably have not considered in some time: Why do you practice this hobby? What do you get out of it? Everyone's answers to these questions will be different, and they will also likely have changed from when you started on your bonsai journey.

I have found that my reasons for doing bonsai have changed as I myself have grown

and changed. The artistic channel that I desperately needed ten years ago when I was home alone with a newborn has since been filled by other creative pursuits. Now that balancing my nervous system has become an important part of reducing my EDS symptoms I find more value in the ability of my trees to help me reach a calmer and more mediative state of mind. Bonsai has the ability to offer us so much, with a change in perspective your trees can become the tools that help you with your latest need. It is true that as we work on our trees so do they work on us.

So whenever you feel like you are struggling give yourself permission to slow down. To feel all the emotions as they come. To take a break or ask for help when you need it.  To love and nourish yourself. To enjoy your trees in their current state and work with them without demanding something from them or something from yourself. To rediscover the reasons why you love to practice bonsai.

Just as we patiently wait for the end of winter and our bonsai trees to break dormancy, we must also allow ourselves the periods of rest and reflection that the seasons of our lives bring. Give to yourself the patience, understanding and grace that you give to your trees. Because Bonsai is an art of patience, and like our trees we are slowly changing, growing, and becoming- unfinished works of art.